My Demons

I've already barfed twice or third in this week after a binge (it has been nuts handful and 4 peanut butter toasts).  

I'm in this hell since November 2018th, although I don't vomit every week nor every month. In fact, at the beginning I only did it once per month, even some times there was months I didn't vomit (because I didn't binge me, and if I did it, I did sport and next day I ate a 600kcal diet, eating fruits and vegetables only). But two or three months ago this torture becomes uncontrollable. I have binges every time but I eat healthy food because in my pantry there isn't junk food. Although the binges are healthy, I eat food in a impulsive way. I realize I have a problem but there is another: I don't want to gain weight. I weight 50kg (sometimes 49 and sometimes 51) and height 169cm.  

I also know the reason of this disorder: the new job; the study of public examinations; to live far away to my partner and family; the professional and personal future uncertainty... 

Yes, I know these are common problems but I've couldn't  manage it in a positive and healthy way this year.

After this afternoon vomit and the next negative feeling about myself (because of the binge and the vomit), I come to the internet looking for not eat tips... However, I think I've made the best, write a post to liberate myself. 

PS: Most of people who look for tips to vomit or stop eating admire anorexic and bulimic people. They feel proud to be like that. Whereas I don't feel like that because I know that all of us are suffering an eating disorder caused for different reasons.

Someday I will look for a help...