I did it again 🤦🏽‍♀️

 So here I am again, writing in this blog I started almost 2 years ago...

I'm still binging myself and eventhough vomits stop, I still purging with intense sport, fasts and deficits.

I'm writing right now because I've got this feeling again to wanna go to the toilet and vomit. I ate a lot yesterday but I spoke with myself and promised me not doing it again. However, this morning I woke up anxious, stressed and the first I put in my mouth was a piece of homemade pastry (2 or 3 slices), then more food and more... I wish I could come back and stop at time, don't start eating like that. Start the week in a healthy mood, but I couldn't.

I have been spending horrible days since I broke up with my boyfriend. It was my decision, I feel bad, like in a emotional roller coaster. One day I think something, the other day I think another. I'm totally bipolar, I feel that I'm not able to make any decision, and each one I make it's wrong and hurts somebody (in this case me or my ex-boyfriend).

Las Saturday my ex and I spend the whole day together. It was nice but I thought we were friends (he wanted more). So last Monday we were to the mountain and he talked about us. I thought  I'd been clear with him but he misunderstood my behaviour. So we talked. During the discussion I felt horrible and I also felt like I was losing him so when I arrived to my home I wrote a letter to me, to clarify myself about my feelings and what I really wanted. That didn't help me because I made a bad decision, I called him and I told him I wanted to come back because I didn't want to lose him. At the begining of the week I felt good (at least I thought that) but when the weekend arrived my discomfort appeared. Saturday night I was super anxious, I couldn't breath. So I talked to him. On Sunday we decided to give us a break so I could clarify what I really need and want, and the most important: to heal me.

But all these things are making a hole in me.


I promise I'm gonna looking for help ✋🏼

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