A random person diary

First of all I would like to introducing my blog and apologize you because my bad english. This blog is something as a hobbie to improve and learn more english and some way to liberate my mind and my thinks too. I have an eating disorder since desember 2018, but sincerely I am pretty sure it started so long before (I don't know exactly when). My writings are about my feelings after a purge... event though I hope that doesn't happen never more. For now I'm visiting a psychologist so with her help and my desires to heal me I hope this shit ends. I don't pretend to teach anybody nor somebody takes my bad behaviours as an example. I want to make clear these writings are a kind of therapy to me. I know I have a big mental problem, so please, don't fall you in this; the rehab is too hard. And this life is also so sad too. If anybody reads me, you are completely free to leave me a comment but please, with RESPECT. So long!

Here I am another time... Since the last update I've done it again. I've eaten processed food without control. This may to stop, I have to stop and take the control of my live and my feed and food. I'm not like this and I don't want to be this person any more. I realized the reason of this behavior, I wrote it in the last blog; so I have to control myself and THINK, stop and think. I feel very bad before and after this compulsions, so I just to stop. I need new routines and habits that help me to connect with myself again; I need to start now and be constant. I hope this gonna be happen and this gona make real and true. This new me starts tomorrow morning (now it's 10 pm and I've already failed). Just stop and think.

So here we are again in September, the summer has past and also the trip I did with my boyfriend, my sister and some Vicent's people. I explain step by step... EXAMS When I finished my last job in the high school I did the public work exam, and I passed the first test (it was a big surprise to me because I wasn't prepared enough), so I studied for the second prove during 5 or 6 days. The last weekend before the second test was horrible in every sense. My mood was horrible and I was like a monster with every body. I was lucky the exam was the first day of the beginning of the proves. I passed the second part but I didn't get the "job". All of these horrible situations persisted the entire month of July. I mean, I started my holidays about july 25th (more or less) and at the same time I had to prepare the staffs for the USA trip. USA TRIP I took the plane on July 30th at 12:15 pm aprox. My expectations were reducing as this day was coming. In summary I tell yo...

I've already vomit, but this time it has been a little hard I think because the binge were sugar free biscuits, mini chocolate biscuits and soy milk. I could not vomit everything and I feel so bad, physically and psychologically. There have been a lot of calories... Tomorrow I will eat only fruits and vegetables, not fats.

Since last time I wrote, I've continued eating, sometimes, in a impulsive way with a following birf. The last vomit was on 4th Tuesday at 16.30h pm approx. I eat an entire gluten free sponge cake with 2 cups of almond milk. I think to know why I eat like that and then birf it on Tuesdays. The answer is because this day I'm alone at home at that time, I know I can eat whatever I want and vomit it then. Also, I have to do it quickly because I don't know the exact time my room mates come back to home. Even so, on 2nd Sunday I ate in a impulsive way too but I realized after. I ate too much birthday cake, chips, nuts, biscuits... OMG, a lot of carbs and sugars without vomit. Yesterday, 5th June My behavior was normal . I think that because arrived at home at 19.00h approx, so I take some fruit before dinner because I was hungry (I think so...) and about 22.00h I eat the dinner: zucchini with tofu and a water melon slice. Today, 6th June I'm doing everyt...

I've already barfed twice or third in this week after a binge (it has been nuts handful and 4 peanut butter toasts).   I'm in this hell since November 2018th, although I don't vomit every week nor every month. In fact, at the beginning I only did it once per month, even some times there was months I didn't vomit (because I didn't binge me, and if I did it, I did sport and next day I ate a 600kcal diet, eating fruits and vegetables only). But two or three months ago this torture becomes uncontrollable. I have binges every time but I eat healthy food because in my pantry there isn't junk food. Although the binges are healthy, I eat food in a impulsive way. I realize I have a problem but there is another: I don't want to gain weight. I weight 50kg (sometimes 49 and sometimes 51) and height 169cm.   I also know the reason of this disorder: the new job; the study of public examinations; to live far away to my partner and family; the professi...